An open letter to Maura Kelly

This blog was recently published on the Marie Claire website and this is my response.

Dear Maura,
I am deeply offended by your blog. I find it to be ignorant, discriminatory, and narrow-minded. Being a big girl, I am used to stares, whispers, and jokes. I can even laugh at a genuinely clever fat joke, and occasionally make some myself. What you did in your article is not funny. It is mean spirited and hurtful. You claim that you have suffered from an eating disorder so you should know, better than anyone, that sometimes it is difficult to control your eating habits. Is the answer to lose weight to exercise more and eat less? Of course. But if it were truly just that simple there wouldn't be a single fat person in the world. Who would choose to be pointed at by children, have to wear ugly ill fitting clothes, wonder if the chair will support them (or even if their ass will fit in it?), or have to read hurtful blogs like yours? Am I making excuses for being fat? I am not. I just want you to realize that eating too much and exercising too little aren't the only factors at work here. There's also genetics, chemicals in your brain, coping mechanisms, learned behaviors, and there is even some research that links obesity to OCD. I understand that I'm fat and I take responsibility for that, but eating and exercising aren't my only problems.
Finally, fat people deserve to find love in their lives. I waited a long time to find it and I found it with a man who is also overweight. I love him for who he is, ALL of him and he feels the same way about me. I love the show Mike and Molly. I think it is a sweet show. I am always happy when anyone finds love in this world. There's not nearly enough of it, so why trash it when you see it? (BTW, I understand these are fictional characters. I'm speaking on behalf of all of us in big relationships). Celebrate love, no matter what it looks like, even if it's two fatties.
A.

Time to get moving...

I know that I claim to work on losing some (a lot of) weight every year about this time. This time that isn't going to be my focus. I am going to start running again. If I lose weight, that's great. If I don't, at least I'll be doing something that I enjoy. I really liked running when I was doing it, and in my brain I always wanted to be one of those girls who said "I'm going for a run." I'm going to start slowly and try to commit to a schedule. If I look at this as something I enjoy that's really fun instead of something that I have to do I think I'll be more successful than I've been in the past. Here's to a new year and returning to something that I enjoyed doing!

Trying again...

I'm doing it. I'm trying again. I'm starting over on Weight Watchers. I started on the first day of school. I know, I'm crazy. Going back to school and starting a diet all on the same day? I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment. So I'm almost one week in and doing well so far. I've lost almost 3 pounds so far. I haven't starved myself. I have eaten some of the foods that I have tended to gorge myself on, but I've eaten them in moderation and eaten lighter foods for the rest of the day. I have learned that the spray ranch dressing tastes like, well, I won't say what it tastes like, but needless to say it isn't good. The peach Fiber One yogurt, however, is fabulous. It may be the best yogurt I've ever eaten. I know that I can do this. I've done it before. I just need to stick to it and stay focused. I may never be thin but I can be healthier.

Out with the old

As most of you know, I am on spring break this week and I have been trying to make the most of my time. I have seen friends, spent time with my family, gone on a date (#4! Keep your fingers crossed!), and I have scrubbed my apartment from top to bottom and cleaned out all of my closets. Today my mom came and helped me with the big one: my bedroom closet. It was my goal to get rid of all of the clothes that didn't fit, which, as it turns out, is most of them. Most of you know that over the last couple years my weight has fluctuated quite a bit. As a result, when I walked into my closet this morning, there were clothes in 7 different sizes. That is insanity! As I was cleaning out the things that no longer fit I was shocked by how small some of those clothes were. I distinctly remember still feeling like a huge fatty while wearing them. Now I wonder how in the world I was ever that small. As my mom and I were folding these clothes up and putting them in the box it felt like I was saying goodbye to someone. I don't know if I'll ever be that size again. I don't know if I have the will-power or motivation to work that hard again. I miss that girl. But I don't hate the girl I am now. This is the battle I've had with myself for most of my life: I want to be thin but I also want to accept who I am right now. My weight is something that I struggle with constantly, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So here's my prayer: Dear God, Please help me to be the best and healthiest me that I can be and love myself whatever that means. Amen.

Two things...

**First, let me say to anyone who is reading, that I'm not going to post here everyday, only on days that I actually have something to write about. I think the minutia of my daily life would bore readers to tears, so I will only write about getting out and living my life...the point of this blog.

First thing...
I unexpectedly got out of my house tonight! I had been invited to a superbowl party by a couple of fellow teacher (both fabulous gals) and was planning to attend. Then my mom sprung my grandpa's 91st birthday party on me. I attended the party and didn't get back to my apartment until almost 7:00 so I couldn't go to the party. Bummer. Then my brother called me. He and some friends were at the Ale House and he wanted me to go. I made lots of excuses...I need to shower, I have to unpack my stuff (I had been to my parents' house), I'm tired, I'm broke...everything I could think of. He wouldn't let up so I said I'd go for a little while. Well, I went and I had a good time! I saw a friend from high school and got to meet the new girl Jordan's dating. It was a fun evening. I only stayed until the end of half time (and I didn't get there until 2nd quarter) but I had a really good time. Jordan even invited me to go out with them again! So far I'm doing a much better job of getting out and it feels good.

Second thing...
My second issue is something I've been dealing with for a long time...my weight. As long as I can remember I've let my weight get in my way and used it as an excuse for not doing something that I really want to do but am afraid of. Want to talk to that guy? I'm too fat, he'd never be interested. Want to join a sorority? They'd never let in a fatty like me. Want to have a good time? Fatties aren't allowed to have a good time! Even when I was at my lowest weight I still thought of myself as fat and let it get in my way. Well, those days are behind me. Will I be rejected by guys because I'm fat? Probably. Can I have fun? Absolutely. Do I deserve to be loved? Hell yes. Fat is no excuse for not living my life.
This doesn't, however, mean that I'm giving up my battle with my weight. I am going to start working out again- I'm going to attempt to get up early tomorrow morning and walk/jog. I may just hit the snooze button, but I'm definitely going to exercise tomorrow, even if it's after school. I'm going to be the best me I can be and live the life I want to live no matter what size my ass is!