I'm Finished!

I never thought this day would get here, but now it has and I am so happy! I put the box containing National Boards in the mail today. The process has been long and exhausting and tried every single ounce of patience I have, but I finished it. When I walked out of the UPS Store without the box I felt an actual weight lifted off of my body. Tonight, for the first time in months, I don't have to feel guilty if I don't do any work on Boards. Especially for the last month, I have been consumed by this process, but now it is finished. I still have to take the test, and I'm doing that on April 11, but that doesn't worry me nearly as much as getting the entries done. I won't find out until November if I passed or not, but I'm going to do my very best not to think about it until then (those of you who know me know that that probably won't happen!). Now that I'm done, there are a few things that I plan to do. Since I love lists, here they are, in no particular order:
1. Read a book. I haven't been able to sit down and enjoy reading a book without feeling guilty for not spending that time on Boards in months. I'm going to read like crazy for a while and consume books as fast as humanly possible.
2. Take advantage of my Netflix subscription. I've already started on this one: I'm watching Pan's Labyrinth right now.
3. Clean my apartment. There is more dog hair around here than I care to admit and now I have time to do something about it.
4. Cook dinner again. I've been eating out a lot lately and now I'll have time to cook.
5. Stop neglecting my friends. I haven't talked to them or spent as much time with them as I'd like lately, so I'm planning to start doing more of that, so look out, I may be giving you a call!

It's raining, it's pouring...

When The Sun Come After Rain by Robert Louis Stevenson

WHEN the sun comes after rain
And the bird is in the blue,
The girls go down the lane
Two by two.

When the sun comes after shadow
And the singing of the showers,
The girls go up the meadow,

Fair as flowers.

When the eve comes dusky red
And the moon succeeds the sun,
The girls go home to bed
One by one.

And when life draws to its even
And the day of man is past,
They shall all go home to heaven,
Home at last.

Are you all as tired of the rain as I am? I am tired of it, both literally and metaphorically. I am ready for some sunshine in my life! Hang on, everybody, it's just around the corner, I can feel it!

Anxiety

Some of you, dear readers, may know that I have an anxiety disorder. I was finally diagnosed in 2003 and have been on and off medication ever since. There are times when the anxiety is much worse than others and there isn't always a clear trigger: sometimes it's just there. The feelings, worries, and physical manifestations are also different. Sometimes I'm worried about very specific things: do I have enough money to last through the month? What if something bad happens to someone I love? What if someone breaks into my apartment? Those types of worries are more manageable; I can reason my way through them. At worst, they cause a panic attack which, while not fun, is short. Sometimes, however, I have a general feeling of anxiety and everything, even the smallest detail of my everyday life turns into a huge unmanageable problem: Was that thing that Gracie just ate off of the ground a piece of gum that will kill her? What if my gas pedal gets stuck and I drive into that ravine? What if I get fired because I forgot to return that phone call? Those fears don't have to be rational (and usually aren't) and they are much harder to cope with since there is no rational reason for the fear. Unfortunately, those are the ones that seem to pile up all at the same time. Those are the ones that cause the most severe anxiety symptoms I've ever experienced, the real, scary, physical ones. I feel tired, have a headache, feel nauseous, having a racing pulse, feel short of breath, all of which cause me more anxiety: What if I'm having a stroke? or a heart attack? What if I die? These are very scary anxieties and leave me physically and mentally exhausted. Last year I ended up in the emergency room because of them. Currently, I am on no daily medication for this. I am, however, on lorazepam, an anxiolytic, which manages my anxiety on an emergency basis: I take it when things get bad so they, hopefully, won't get any worse. Things have been pretty bad this week: I've been anxious non-stop about everything and am struggling to keep it together. I have been experiencing the worst symptoms and they have just been compounding theproblem. I am writing about this, not for pity or sympathy, but in the hopes that by writing about my problems I will be able to deal with them a little better, that maybe if I get some of this out I can deal with it in a more productive, healthy way. It is my nature to keep things inside, to pretend everything is fine, especially when it's not. I will ask, however, that if you're a praying person, you keep me in your prayers while I try to muddle my way through this latest onslaught of anxiety.

Movies that make me happy

I've been in a funk this week: moping around, feeling down in the dumps. It's now Friday and I don't want to spend my weekend doing the same thing. One thing that cheers me up is a good movie. Since I love lists, here's a list of movies that never fail to drive my blues away.
1. Sense & Sensibility: I love the scene when Emma Thompson realizes that Hugh Grant isn't married. It's one of the best scenes ever.
2. Love Actually: 5 words: "To me, you are perfect."
3. Steel Magnolias: I know, this seems like an odd choice for a cheer me up movie, but this movie is genuinely funny and who doesn't need a good cry every now and then? And I've learned that there is no circumstance in the world in which a quote from this movie isn't appropriate.
4. 10 Things I Hate About You: There are more than 10 things I love about this movie. It's sweet and funny, and it always makes me smile.
5. Never Been Kissed: Socially awkward girl falls for hunky English teacher who falls for her back. Love it.
6. Singing In the Rain: Who doesn't love a good musical? This is one of my favorites. Every time I watch this I'm singing "Good mornin', good mornin', we've talked the whole night through..." for days.
7. West Side Story: While we're talking about musicals, this one is another one of my favorites. I know, I know, he dies, but there are such good songs for singing along to..."I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, and I pity any girl who isn't me tonight." Wonderful.
8. Pretty Woman: Isn't this every girl's fantasy? Well, maybe not the prostitution part, but definitely Richard Gere (or some rich handsome guy, possibly George Clooney?) coming to whisk you away from all your problems.
9. Little Miss Sunshine: This movie makes me laugh so hard every single time I see it, and I watch it a lot. She's adorable, her family is insane, and I love Steve Carell- he is playing the number one Proust scholar in the US, after all.
10. The Holiday: Two messed up girls find love and friendship. Who can't relate to one of these girls? (By the way, I'm totally Kate Winslet's character.)
11. Notting Hill: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" and "To June who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her." So sweet! So romantic!
Therapy is expensive. Renting a movie or watching one you already own is cheap. The weather is going to be cold and nasty this weekend. Curl up on your couch with a blanket, the dog, and the remote control and watch one of your favorite pick-me-up movies. If you're looking for me, that's what I'll be doing this weekend.

A Perfect Poetic Description of Spring

in Just- by: e.e. cummings

in Just- spring when the world is mud- luscious the little lame balloonman whistles far and wee and eddieandbill come running from marbles and piracies and it's spring when the world is puddle-wonderful the queer old balloonman whistles far and wee and bettyandisbel come dancing from hop-scotch and jump-rope and it's spring and the goat-footed balloonMan whistles far and wee

Spring Cleaning

Today the weather is so lovely. It's 70 degrees, the sun is shining, and there's a nice breeze blowing. It seems like just last week we were trapped inside because of snow and ice. Wait a minute, that was just last week. I know this weather isn't going to last but I am going to enjoy it while it's here. And I'm going to use this nice spring-like weather to motivate me to do a little spring cleaning. And I'm not just talking about my house- although that certainly needs it. As part of living a more full and enjoyable life, there's some life spring cleaning that I need to do, too. As I'm sure you've noticed, dear reader, I am fond of making lists. Here's another one, of the spring cleaning I hope to accomplish this year.
1. Emotional: I need to tell the people in my life that are important to me that I love them. I don't think this is something I do often enough. We all have people that we tell we love them all the time, but there are some, whom we love just as much, that we never tell. I am going to make an effort to tell the people in my life how I feel about them more often. I am also going to work to forgive those people I've been holding a grudge against. Nothing is gained by harboring bad feelings towards another person, except lots of stress and worry lines on your face, and Lord knows I don't need any more of either of those. I am going to let go of old grudges and move on. It will make me a happier and more contented person.
2. Physical: I have got to get my ass moving. Every week I think "This is the week I'll really do it." and then I don't. I have got to change that. Not just because I don't like what I see in the mirror, but also because I don't like the way I feel. I was so much happier in a smaller body and lately I've been missing the feeling of exercising. I have to break the hold that food has over me and begin to live my best life, which doesn't include eating copious amounts of food. (And, I have lots of cute skinny clothes in my closet, just taunting me!)
3. Career: I love my job so much. Even on the worst day teaching I am happier than I was on my best day working in a cubicle. I love working with the kids, I love talking to them and being a part of such a great time in their lives. Some of them, however, drive me absolutely crazy. I have a hard time understanding students who come to school and refuse to do anything except be mean to their classmates and sleep. I've been looking for ways to motivate them: games, activities, puzzles, videos, and nothing is working. I've got to find some way to get to them. Or find a way to deal with the stress that their apathy causes me. I want the best for them and I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that they don't seem to want the best for themselves.
4. Social: I feel a little like a fraud. The point of this blog has been to chronicle me getting out of my house and enjoying my life. I haven't really done a lot of that lately. I can blame it on the Boards (which are almost done! Yay!) but let's face it: I am a homebody by nature. I have found a few things that I enjoy and hope to do more of. I found a book club at a local book store that is fun, and a singles book club that I want to try. I'm planning to try to find more activities that interest me and fit who I am instead of trying to change who I am to fit into an activity. There is life outside of my apartment and I am slowly but surely finding it!
Well, there it is. The things I need to clean up this spring (in addition to my apartment, which sure is dusty at the moment!) Let's all use this spring to make some changes in our life that we have been putting off for a long time. There's no better time than now!

Just because I like it...

wishes for sons
by Lucille Clifton
i wish them cramps. i wish them a strange town and the last tampon. I wish them no 7-11. i wish them one week early and wearing a white skirt. i wish them one week late. later i wish them hot flashes and clots like you wouldn't believe. let the flashes come when they meet someone special. let the clots come when they want to. let them think they have accepted arrogance in the universe, then bring them to gynecologists not unlike themselves.

Things to do on a snow day

It snowed last night and so today there is no school. There may not be any school tomorrow. Or ever. I live in the south and we just aren't prepared for snow. So here I am, unable to leave my house, forced to entertain myself. What in the world am I to do? Here are some ideas.
1. Make snow cream. All you need is some snow (be sure it hasn't been walked on or otherwise compromised), milk and sugar to taste. It won't last long so eat it fast, but be careful not to eat it too fast or you'll get a brain freeze. This is yummy goodness and will take you straight back to your childhood.
2. Read a book. Contrary to the beliefs of my students, reading will not actually kill you. It may, however, may cause you to lose track of time and become completely absorbed in another world.
3. Take a long hot bath. We all have more to do than we have time to do it in. Today you've been given a free day, a chance to spend a little time just on yourself. Use it. Run a tub full of hot water, add beads or bubbles or salts or just yourself, sit back and relax. Let the hot water wash all your stress away. Think about absolutely nothing. Don't get out until you are pruned all over. For best results, this can be combined with number two.
4. Take pictures of random stuff covered in snow. Inside most of us lies a photographer just dying to get out. Use this as a chance to let him/her free. Take pictures of trees, leaves, your pets, whatever you see. You'll feel like Ansel Adams or Annie Lebowitz in no time.
5. Watch a movie you haven't seen in years or are embarassed to let anyone know you enjoy. It's even better if it's a movie for kids or teenager and you are not one yourself . I, for example, will probably pop in A Cinderella Story this afternoon and cuddle under a nice warm blanket. I don't usually tell my friends I enjoy this movie. After all, I am nearly 30 years old and it is a Hillary Duff movie, but it just gets me every time.
6. Redecorate your home. If you're like me you are stranded inside and can't drive anywhere. This makes redecoration more challenging, but also more interesting (and economical, see post "How are you dealing with the recession?) since you will have to use stuff that you already own. Move that picture from the living room to the bedroom. Swap the sofa and love seat. You'll be surprised what a big difference a little change of scenery will make.
7. Indulge in that hobby you've neglected for too long. I crochet but haven't crocheted anything for about a month now. That's not good! I releases my stress and makes me feel productive. Or, learn a new one. There are websites that can teach you to do lots of stuff, provided you already have the supplies you need at home.
8. Turn on some music, sing along, and dance. You may feel silly at first but you'll eventually start to smile and feel good pretty. Lookin' for a Good Time is playing here right now. It always makes me sing and dance. It's also good exercise so your heart will be doubly happy.
9. Play with your kids, pet, or significant other. (Believe me, I wish I had a significant other to be playing with right now! *wink*) Go outside and play in the snow. Make snow angels. Have a snow ball fight. Enjoy not being at work and out of your house for a little while.
10. Take a nap. Kindergarteners aren't the only ones who need naps. Take a little time today and take one. Lie down on your bed, couch, chair, anywhere it's comfy, quiet, and warm enough to go to sleep. You don't have to sleep for long, just indulge yourself!
Remember, this is a snow day. You can do what ever you want. And remember, as long as what you do today helps you stay sane tomorrow the day hasn't been wasted!