Oldies but Goodies

Before I discovered the beauty of Facebook, there was Myspace. I wrote a few blogs while I used MySpace and I thought I'd revive them here. So here's the greatest hits:

Adventures in Dating (Nov. 2007)

ships

If you're 28, single, smart, funny, and pretty cute but hate bars, clubs, and work with mainly women and older, married men, where do you go to find perspective husbands? How about a singles book club at Quail Ridge Books? (For those of you not familiar with Quail Ridge, it's the filthy hippy book store over on Wade Avenue.) I had been thinking about joining this book club for a while and I finally decided it was time to go for it. Surely there would be a cournicopia of single, educated, well read men who had been looking for their entire lives for a slightly geeky, chunky brunette with a great sense of humor and a love of designer handbags, right? Well, I woke up at the butt-crack (a big deal, as you know, since I like to spend my Saturday mornings in bed with the dog reading a good book) and got ready- and I mean date ready. I actually did my hair the way my stylist wants me to every day (who has time for that every morning?), did my make-up and coordinated my jewelry, shoes, and handbag. I was ready. (Man, I sure sound desperate!) I said good-bye to the dog and left my humble apartment to find myself a date, and to talk about a book that I hadn't read. (I didn't have time, but I'm sure I'll get around to it one day. It was The March, by E.L. Doctorow, if you're interested). I drove all the way across town (which I really hate doing) and arrived at Quail Ridge with a few minutes to spare. I stuck the book in the purse that perfectly matched my outfit and shoes, and headed in, sure I was about to meet the man of my dreams. I began to browse around the store, to see who else was there for this meeting. For the life of me I could not find a single person in the entire store under the age of 50. I meandered over to the part of the store where the meetings are held and what, to my wondering eyes should appear, but two men and two women, all over the age of 60, holding copies of The March in their hands. OH NOOOO!! Where was the slightly geeky, cute guy who loved Faulkner and Steinbeck, worked literary allusions into casual conversation and liked chunky brunettes? Where was the quy who was going to find me fascinating, invite me to have lunch at the Bruggers next door, fall in love with me, marry me, and possibly father my child? What the crap was this? THIS was the SINGLES book club? Well, needless to say I didn't hang around. I browsed for a few more minutes, so as to not draw any attention to myself, and then casually left the store. Don't men my age read books? And if they don't, why don't they? Aren't there any guys out there that like chunky brunettes with a good sense of humor? Who knows the answers to these questions. Here's what I have learned from this experience: first, if a book club is meeting at 10 am on a Saturday morning it is probably not a club for people under 30, we are all still asleep, or just rolling groggily out of bed because they dog just won't wait for one more minute. Also, it doesn't hurt to try something new. This book club didn't work out for me but the next thing I try may (not to mention I got a story that Curt has been telling anyone who will listen, so if you've already heard this story from him I apologize and hope mine is more entertaining- if it is, be sure to tell him).

Everything I need to know I learned from watching Poseidon... (June 2006)

Well, I did it. I went to see Poseidon. My fascination with Josh Lucas's bulging biceps and receding hairline got the best of me. There was a preview for The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift or Tokyo Crap or something like that, I can't remember. Who really thought we needed another of those movies? Can I get a job coming up with ideas for bad sequels? I'm sure it pays better than teaching. What doesn't pay better than teaching? But, I digress...I learned so much from Poseidon that I felt the need to share it with you all, in case you ever find yourselves in one of these situations.
1. You will need to be able to support not only your own body weight with your upper body but also the body weight of at least two other average size adults. Who knows when you'll find yourself dangling in an elevator shaft with a waiter hanging on your pants? I know if that ever happens to me I want to be prepared. Also, you'll need to be prepared to shake the waiter off your pants to save your own ass. And it wouldn't hurt to spring for some nice pants. You know, the ones that won't rip if a waiter hangs off of them- don't settle for anything less.
2. Whatever you do, don't take a kid on vacation with you. They are nothing but trouble. If you do have to take one on vacation lock it in its room. Or hire a nanny to take care of it. Did I mention that they are nothing but trouble?
3. If you are going on a sea voyage, be sure that either Kurt Russell, Josh Lucas, or Richard Dreyfus is booked on your ship. (Heady, you should check on this soon.) I know Richard Dreyfus seems like an odd choice but it turns out that he's pretty handy to have around in a crisis- I mean most guys' heads would have fallen off after being hit in the face with a steel hatch but he just shook it off and kept going. I wouldn't choose him for mouth to mouth but he's not bad to have around. And who knows, maybe he can loan you a Mr. Holland sweater vest if you get cold on deck one night.
4. Never thrown the necklace over the...oh, wait, wrong ocean disaster movie...never mind.
Well, alright, I only learned three things from Titanic, oh I mean Poseidon, but I think these are three lessons will prove to be invaluable. Please take heed and be safe this vacation season. You never know when a rogue wave will strike.