Because sometimes I get tired of waiting and I know Emily understands me.

VI. -Emily Dickinson

If you were coming in the Fall,
I'd brush the Summer by
With half a smile, and half a spurn,
As Housewives do, a Fly.

If I could see you in a year,
I'd wind the months in balls --
And put them each in separate Drawers,
For fear the numbers fuse --

If only Centuries, delayed,
I'd count them on my Hand,
Subtracting, till my fingers dropped
Into Van Dieman's Land.

If certain, when this life was out --
That yours and mine, should be
I'd toss it yonder, like a Rind,
And take Eternity --

But, now, uncertain of the length
Of this, that is between,
It goads me, like the Goblin Bee --
That will not state -- its sting.

Out with the old

As most of you know, I am on spring break this week and I have been trying to make the most of my time. I have seen friends, spent time with my family, gone on a date (#4! Keep your fingers crossed!), and I have scrubbed my apartment from top to bottom and cleaned out all of my closets. Today my mom came and helped me with the big one: my bedroom closet. It was my goal to get rid of all of the clothes that didn't fit, which, as it turns out, is most of them. Most of you know that over the last couple years my weight has fluctuated quite a bit. As a result, when I walked into my closet this morning, there were clothes in 7 different sizes. That is insanity! As I was cleaning out the things that no longer fit I was shocked by how small some of those clothes were. I distinctly remember still feeling like a huge fatty while wearing them. Now I wonder how in the world I was ever that small. As my mom and I were folding these clothes up and putting them in the box it felt like I was saying goodbye to someone. I don't know if I'll ever be that size again. I don't know if I have the will-power or motivation to work that hard again. I miss that girl. But I don't hate the girl I am now. This is the battle I've had with myself for most of my life: I want to be thin but I also want to accept who I am right now. My weight is something that I struggle with constantly, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So here's my prayer: Dear God, Please help me to be the best and healthiest me that I can be and love myself whatever that means. Amen.

The Single Life

As you know, faithful readers, I am a single girl nearing 30. This has its good and bad aspects. There are times when I love being a single girl in the world. I like the quiet of my apartment. I like being able to put stuff where I want to put stuff. I like not having to share the remote control or my bathroom with anyone else. There are times, however, when I really hate it, and lately I've noticed quite a few instances when being a single girl has been really terrible. As most of you surely know, I have recently completed the National Board process. On the day I mailed my box (one of my happiest days!) I wanted to go out to celebrate, or at least to go out to the local Mexican restaurant for dinner and possibly margaritas, but everyone I know had other stuff going on. When I finished taking the test for Boards on Saturday morning I wanted to call someone to share my excitement at finally being completely done with this process but everyone was busy and I couldn't get anyone on the phone. These are things that I would really like to have had someone to share them with, someone to call and say "Honey, I'm finished! Let's go out to dinner!" Sunday morning at about 3:30 am I woke up feeling really icky. Waking up sick and alone in the middle of the night is one of the worst feelings in the entire world. I really wished that there was someone there- not to take care of me, just to know that I wasn't alone and if I did need someone that someone was there. I want someone to share things with. Don't get me wrong, I have the most wonderful, amazing, loving, kind, generous friends in the world and I love them so much but there are things I want in this life that friends can't give me. I want to fall in love and have someone to share my life with, the good and the bad. I'm going to keep looking, surely he's out there somewhere.

This will make you happy.

I love this video of Susan Boyle singing on Britain's Got Talent. I can't begin to describe it so you're just going to have to watch it for yourself to find out why it made me cry and smile and my heart happy. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

An open letter to parents about dog etiquette

Dear parents,
I have two concerns. Please teach your children proper dog etiquette, not only for the safety of your children, but also for the welfare of my dog. I live in an apartment complex and frequently encounter children while walking my dog. The children whose parents have taught them about dogs ask me if the dog bites and when I tell them no, they ask if they can pet her. While I'm not completely comfortable with this, the kids who ask are almost always more gentle with my dog and therefore less likely to cause any problems. My major concern with this scenario, however, is that it's not safe for kids to do that, unfortunately. While I, myself, am not going to abduct and harm a child, there are lots of people who will. It's dangerous for a child to approach an adult to play with a dog. If you've taught your kids about dog manners take a few minutes and teach them not to talk to strangers. My next problem is with kids who don't ask if they can pet my dog, just run up to her, get in her face, and try to hang all over her. My dog is the most gentle dog in the world, but she's still a dog. Even though she has no history of snapping or biting that doesn't mean that she will never do it. Every dog who bit someone had to do it for the first time sometime. I love my dog and don't want her to do something that will get her in trouble, or God forbid, put down, because your child doesn't know how to behave around dogs. Teach your child that he/she must ask before touching someone else's dog.
I love my dog. You love your kid. Let's make sure nothing happens to either of them.
A

Because we all do too much

The peace of wild things by Wendell Berry

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

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I'm Finished!

I never thought this day would get here, but now it has and I am so happy! I put the box containing National Boards in the mail today. The process has been long and exhausting and tried every single ounce of patience I have, but I finished it. When I walked out of the UPS Store without the box I felt an actual weight lifted off of my body. Tonight, for the first time in months, I don't have to feel guilty if I don't do any work on Boards. Especially for the last month, I have been consumed by this process, but now it is finished. I still have to take the test, and I'm doing that on April 11, but that doesn't worry me nearly as much as getting the entries done. I won't find out until November if I passed or not, but I'm going to do my very best not to think about it until then (those of you who know me know that that probably won't happen!). Now that I'm done, there are a few things that I plan to do. Since I love lists, here they are, in no particular order:
1. Read a book. I haven't been able to sit down and enjoy reading a book without feeling guilty for not spending that time on Boards in months. I'm going to read like crazy for a while and consume books as fast as humanly possible.
2. Take advantage of my Netflix subscription. I've already started on this one: I'm watching Pan's Labyrinth right now.
3. Clean my apartment. There is more dog hair around here than I care to admit and now I have time to do something about it.
4. Cook dinner again. I've been eating out a lot lately and now I'll have time to cook.
5. Stop neglecting my friends. I haven't talked to them or spent as much time with them as I'd like lately, so I'm planning to start doing more of that, so look out, I may be giving you a call!